New England kit - New sponsors

(Courtesy of Paul Hobbs)

The Football Association today proudly unveiled Total, FCUK and UPS as the new sponsors of the England football team.

"The combination of these three corporate giants perfectly captures the ethos of the England side" said an FA spokesman. "After all, they had nothing in the tank when it counted, and they've proved themselves to be a bunch of expensive posers who always fail to deliver."

The announcement followed the news that Nationwide building society would be ending its sponsorship of the national side after the FA rejected its pre-World Cup offer of a new £20m deal. "Not so fcuking cocky now, are you?" said Nationwide in a prepared statement yesterday, before respectfully suggesting that the FA "Can shove its sponsorship deal right up it's a@se".

Pundits noted that if the FA followed Nationwide's advice, it would be the second time in a fortnight that England had been laid wide open at the back.

The new shirts come in a range of bright 'easy to spot' colours after claims from some England players that the old kit was painted in "magic invisible ink" which made it impossible to pick out an easy and obvious pass to a team mate.

The new shirts are also made of a super lightweight material, unlike the old tops which were apparently made of extra-heavy chain mail which left the Premiership stars lumbering around looking exhausted and unfit.

However, one criticism has been made of the design of the new England kit with claims that the neck hole was inexplicably too small for the heads of the Premiership stars.

Players say this will make it very hard to pull the shirt off during any over-exuberant goal celebrations, but a spokesman for the kit manufacturers said "We don't envisage this being a problem"