Some wicked one-liners

(Courtesy of Nick Flynn)

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed four pall-bearers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, these blokes have lost the plot!!

I was at a cash-point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.
Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not
understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Blow that, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something waterproof and shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her bathroom scales.

Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried. "What's the matter?" I asked. "I've got the big C,"he said. "What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs.
The birds love it!

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week, all the forms will be printed only in English.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor'
I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'